When discomfort speaks, leaders need to listen.
A couple of weeks ago, a client in mid-life – a seasoned entrepreneur – came feeling upset to her session with me.
Patty (alias) just read my latest newsletter, where I noted the presence of a slow seep of fear that’s winding its way into our lives, zapping us of the confidence to address all the uncertainties around us.
Her first comment? “You’re being too political, you know.”
Initially I thought she was speaking tongue-in-cheek. But it quickly became apparent, as she gesticulated between sips of coffee, that she was not being funny. She was genuinely upset.
As we sat with her reaction, something emerged: she couldn’t quite explain what she was upset about.
The text in the newsletter that she found upsetting was “armed troops in peaceful cities,” which was factually occurring in Portland and Chicago as I wrote those words.
She struggled to stay with her tension long enough to examine it.
I asked her to locate where in her body she was experiencing her anxiety, her discomfort, and she . . . went blank. Wide eyes darting, panicky with the momentary pause.
Patty then blurted out:
“I feel like you’re telling me what to think!”
Somatic Power
The ability to hold tension, and to stay present with discomfort without resolving it prematurely, is foundational to conscious leadership.
When tensions are high and someone says, “It’s too hot,” or in this case, “You’re too political,” they’re in effect saying: “This tension is overwhelming my capacity to stay present.”
Yet here’s the thing, the most important challenges of our time live precisely in that tension:
Reproductive rights. Workplace equity. Climate response. Food access. Who gets to speak. Who gets believed.
What if the phrase – “The personal is political” – isn’t an academic theory but a somatic practice and mobilizing truth?
What if Patty’s discomfort wasn’t merely a reaction or personal quirk or me as a bugaboo, but evidence of a power structure doing its job — keeping us from naming what we see?
If we can’t see it, we can’t name it, and we’ve less power to take any sort of action.
Being clueless or confused or clamoring loudly can be useful if we can learn to stay with the situation at hand to allow it to unfold.
We can learn to expose ourselves to increasing levels of tension — on purpose— to develop the necessary skills of being with our emotions and tensions.
Leadership begins with our willingness to feel ourselves, especially in these tense times of uncertainty.
Our bodies know before our mind does
As Patty and I stayed, exploring the moment together, it became clear that feeling nothing wasn’t the cause for her upset. Nor was it even the facts I’d shared in the newsletter.
She was upset because she cared and because she was feeling fear related to those cares.
And because she, like many of us, was raised to not notice her feelings and not feel them fully, and certainly not to name those feelings, her default reaction was upset.
Her outburst toward me was an act of defiance, and it took courage to voice it.
We’re raised to color within the lines, follow the rules, and strive to get ahead by working hard. Women in particular grow up learning: don’t be difficult, don’t make waves, keep the peace.
All of that training lives in our nervous systems, impacting everything.
Over time it becomes the default, an automatic reaction or somatic strategy for avoiding conflict that once kept the situation safe, manageable, contained. A somatic dimension of power.
Noticing and naming
By being with our sensations and emotions, noticing and naming become our power tools, providing rich data in any situation.
⚡When our shoulders tense at a meeting where someone’s being interrupted repeatedly—that’s data about power.
⚡When our stomachs drops while reading about healthcare restrictions—that’s data about values.
⚡When we feel an urge to change the subject when someone mentions their trans child’s struggles—that’s data about our courage.
Our bodies are reading the room, the culture, and the power dynamics before your conscious mind catches up.
The question is, Are you listening?
You might also wonder, “Okay, so it’s all data. Now what do I do with that data?”
As we sit with the data, like Patty and I did that morning, settling our rattled emotions and inner tensions (I had mine too), we can begin to observe our experience.
The ‘data’ of discomfort and tension can help us develop a new relationship with it.
Rather than shutting it down immediately, pushing it aside or numbing it to get through, a new relationship will involve toggling back and forth with the sensations, first soothing and settling (a parasympathetic, or brake, process), then stretching and stoking (a sympathetic, challenger response) in order to come into a new space of possibility for our lives.
Here’s what you can do with the data:
These next few weeks, be on the lookout for situations where you’d rather not stay. It’ll feel like wanting to shut down in some form, probably a pattern of which you have some awareness.
Instead, choose to stay, and do the following:
- Notice when you want to say, “Let’s not go there.”
- Pause to feel your discomfort, the tension, choosing to stay.
- Take three deep breaths; a smidge longer on the out-breath.
Ask yourself:
- Where in my body is this discomfort? Dial in specifically.
- What do I call this? Name it.
- What might this tension be protecting me from seeing? Be curious and open.
Take one last breath and release any tension, then staya little longer to see what comes up.
I’d love to hear from you and how you’re staying a bit longer. Let me know by connecting at drchris@q4-consulting.com.