When was the last time you witnessed an ordinary act of kindness?One that touched you so deeply you felt a little verklempt, maybe even surprised.
With life moving faster these days, coupled with all the familiar holiday expectations, it’s easy to skip right over our ordinary moments. Yet it’s important to remember them, even to look for them; those sweet moments of love, loss, and tenderness. They help us remember who we are.
So go ahead, take a minute to remember an ordinary moment.
Drop into your recollection fully–sights, sounds, people present, context with a full deep breath. Feel into your remembered experience for just a few minutes. What are you present to in this moment?
When I did this very practice, I remembered my experience at a local Starbucks.
I’d dropped by that morning to grab a quick coffee before my early meeting. The line was long, at least eight people deep. I glanced at my watch and an inner rev starting in my chest.
If I wanted coffee, and I did, then I’d choose to wait. I took a breath, dropped my impatience at being in line, and settled in to people watch.
They were not far ahead of me in line. She, a petite young blond woman with expressive eyes; he an older, slight man, perhaps a Greek or Italian immigrant, with broken English, and a smile the width of his face.
While ordering breakfast and coffee, she remarked, “Louie calls me his daughter,” telling the woman behind her, and just in front of me, about wanting to find a way to help Louie see better because his eyesight was particularly poor.
The woman ahead of me, clearly as touched as I was at the “daughter’s” obvious affection and care for Louie, suggested the name of a community resource for free eye exams. The smiling “daughter” excitedly put it into her phone, exclaiming that she’d call later that morning after picking up her young son from school.
When the coffee and breakfast sandwiches arrived, she pulled out money to pay for their meal, yet the resourceful woman beat her to it, stepping in to pay for their breakfast. Smiling and offering a “thank you” to both, she took her coffee and moved quickly toward the door.
“She just bought us breakfast, Louie, how lovely.” Louie smiled his warm smile, accepting the directive to move toward the counter to pick up their order.
Social scientists tell us that in addition to a person receiving kindness, the one expressing kindness benefits in the same ways.
These include the subjective experience of feeling good due to spiking levels of the feel-good hormone that contributes to regulating mood and boosting feelings of optimism and joyfulness, to strengthening one’s immune system.
The biggest surprise? Those benefits extend to anyone simply witnessing the act of kindness.
Tears filled my eyes as I witnessed this random, mindful act of kindness. As I added cream to my coffee, I felt my heart open in my chest. I felt lighter and more connected to my fellow coffee drinkers.
I felt inspired and grateful for my life.And though I was unclear whether others had even noticed this small yet amazing act of love, I began to actively search for ways to extend kindness myself in the day ahead.
Before you know what kindness really is
One of my very dearest friends from college, Jill, died recently on World Kindness Day.It was fitting, given her total embrace of the journey that cancer took her on. She continued to live her life with cancer intentionally and fully with love, joy, and light right up until the very end.
Always up for an adventure, Jill’s easy laugh, her presence, her insistence on understanding while opening to the mystery of life, are all backdrop to perhaps her greatest gift – she was one of the kindest people I’ve ever known.
For my part, through my disbelief and sobs, I’ve found comfort in lines from Naomi Shihab Nye’s poem, Kindness.
“Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth . . .
Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,
you must wake up with sorrow
you must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.
Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore.”
I’ve learned from Jill’s journey over the past 3+ years that kindness isn’t just about being nice, although one can be nice like Louie’s “daughter” had been.
Kindness includes addressing our challenges and engaging with real people, real questions, real life situations straight away– like cancer, grief, and living fully – which is exactly what Jill did.
Ordinary moments – a casual chat with a colleague, a tender hug from a loved one or that shared moment with strangers at the coffee shop, and yes, even death – are easy to rush to get through, not notice at all, or avoid if we anticipate they’ll be too hard.
For me, this season, my heart is cracked open with grief. While I surely wish this ordinary life-death moment had not come so soon, I’m aware that my voice has ‘caught the thread of all sorrows and I can see the size of the cloth. Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore.’
I’m choosing to pause and practice kindness – toward others and toward myself.Our acts of kindness will ripple outward in ways we can’t begin to imagine or measure.
And, if you, too, are grieving, know that expressing kindness isn’t a weakness, far from it. It’s a quiet rebellion and adventure that cuts through the noise. Kindness helps us remember.
Three easy kindness practices you can start today:
Wish People Well– On your commute and in your daily life, silently send everyone you meet well wishes. It might sound like, “May you be happy. May you be well. May you be safe. May you be at peace.”
Assume the Best– When things don’t go as planned, explore 2-3 alternative reasons. This could sound like, “Maybe they’re rushing to the hospital.” Or, “I wonder what else could be happening for them?
Be Intentional– What do you actually need, now? Could be you need stimulation or you could need rest. Intentionality is about self-kindness; it’s listening to what you really need.
More encouragement: An Iowa State study of students who practiced loving-kindness for 12 minutes while walking around campus showed “lower anxiety, greater happiness, greater empathy, and higher feelings of caring and connectedness.”
I’d love to hear from you and how you’re noticing those ordinary moments. Let me know by connecting at drchris@q4-consulting.com.